How will I know when I have recovered? This question is not as easy as it may first appear.
My original plan for recovery was to go back to what I was doing. This was Evangelist Marketing, a business I’d just started and, a social life! I assumed getting better would be a small detour. There were some concerns in my mind about whether I would be able to handle running a solo business but I’m a responsible person and the backup plan of getting another job was acceptable to me.
That was five years and seven months ago.
It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t have the strength even for a regular job. As my quest for health took on a life of its own, I began to question the existence I was working so hard to regain. Slowly, some pieces of my health puzzle were resolved, and seeds were sown for a new way forward.
This blog is for my friends and family, CFS/FMS patients, people confronted with impossible problems or struggling to maintain a human balance in the 21st century, and anyone interested in witnessing a potential transformation. I can’t guarantee the outcome of my spiritual journey but I can promise you I will give this my best – and my best is very good.
This blog is also for me. I live in the middle of an urbanized area but it feels like I may as well have been in a Himalayan cave for the last few years. As I make my way back out, would you consider being part of my cheering section?!
You are invited to join me on my journey of recovery from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I will share what I have learned about healing this condition as well as some of the stunning experiences that continue to shift my outlook on life.
Blogs are often ongoing entities. But I have every intention of bringing this Chronic Fatigue story to an end, which is why it has an outline. Now that I’ve discovered the joy of writing, there are many subjects I would love to tackle in the future.
If I were planning to return to my old lifestyle, then being able to go to an office every day and at the same time getting on a plane at the drop of a hat all the while doing every detail of life on my own, might be my yardstick for wellness. However, that’s the life that contributed to my getting sick in the first place. I feel weary just describing it! Instead, I want to keep the lessons of asking for, and getting help. I want to learn more about living and working in community.
I still feel a little hurt when I remember the people in my life, though tiny in number, who have been explicitly nasty. I realize they don’t understand my condition but I would rather they had chosen to love me. A few others have felt uncomfortable being around this CFS state and I respect that. However, the overwhelming majority of people I know have been supportive. If I were on the outside looking in on my current situation, I might feel vaguely helpless and clueless about what to do. I want those people to know that ultimately this is a journey I must travel alone. By being themselves while maintaining a sense of openness and curiosity, my friends and relatives do enough for me to feel their caring.
It doesn’t take much to push my system past its current limits. Too long on the phone, for example, results in unpleasantly dramatic consequences. Despite that, I’d like to keep getting better at simply saying “I can’t make it”, rather than panicking at the prospect of overextending myself. I’d also like to try the Bar Method. Maybe I could return to one of my favorite yoga studios in San Francisco and then take a shower on the same day! I’d go to bed at night accepting myself, thereby releasing a little perfectionism. Then I’d wake up eight or nine hours later, refreshed and ready to face another day maintaining a flawed but healthy balance of mind, body and spirit.