Why Ask Why?

 

I could feel the panic rising inside me. It was 2007 and I had finally found out what was wrong with me after two years. But this had the effect of burning up my savings faster as I pursued treatment. It was like running at top speed towards the edge of a cliff. You need momentum in order to have a chance of taking off into the air. But you might fall over the edge. To make matters worse, my improvement appeared to be stalling.

There was nothing else to do except call Tracy Beckerley. “Why did I get Chronic Fatigue?” I had met Tracy at my birthday celebration during healthier times. The party favor was a fifteen minute Tarot card reading and I loved the way Tracy combined her psychology degree with intuitive skills.  Continue reading

What is Grace?

The winds of grace are blowing perpetually; we have just to raise our sails. –Ramakrishna

I heard somewhere that if you do the work of getting 51% of the way to your goal, grace will carry you the rest of the way. Aren’t I there yet? Grace, where are you? By the way, what is grace?

After my life narrowed to trying to get out of bed, I went through a few medical doctors, then a few naturopathic doctors. Then I went for something radical and tried Dr. Young’s pH miracle protocol. I improved and thought that was the final answer. Sadly, no. Not exactly.  Continue reading

Where Are My Boundaries?!

“Dr. Hayden’s” other Chronic Fatigue patient was thinking of trying a clinic I also happened to be considering. The patient felt unsure about the clinic and had asked Dr. Hayden to investigate. So, in the middle of my appointment, Dr. Hayden asked me.

Wait. What?  Continue reading

Radical Forgiveness & Chronic Fatigue

Or, Forgiveness: Epilogue

“So let me get this straight. You were kidnapped, imprisoned, then abused by your rescuer?” Maureen summarized.

I wanted to prove her wrong. I had to show her that it wasn’t quite like that. She mustn’t reduce my smart, worldly parents to such shocking terms. But as I searched unsuccessfully for proof to support my feelings, I had to accept that she was right. Being flown first class to the best schools in the world does not change these facts.

My mother left my dad just before my ninth birthday. She dropped me off with friends who were instructed not to let me go outside, then disappeared. After a week or two, I was taken to an uncle’s home where I was locked in a room. Suddenly and unexpectedly, my dad walked in. I was thrilled to return home with him! That is, until he moved his girlfriend in. Continue reading

Understanding the Mind-Body Connection in Chronic Fatigue & Fibromyalgia

Or, Forgiveness Part VI

Am I Crazy? Understanding the Mind-Body Connection in CFS/Fibromyalgia

by Jacob Teitelbaum, M.D.

The first half of this article was reprinted here last week.

The Mind-Body Connection

All illnesses have a psychological component. Although the highly stressed executive may have a bacterial infection such as Helicobacter pylori or excess acid causing his or her ulcer, it helps to remove the three telephones from his or her ear while treating the infections and excess acid.

I find that I, and most people with CFS/FMS, are mega-type-A overachievers. As a group, our sensitivity and intuitive abilities are high. We often had low self-esteem as children and tended to seek approval, sometimes from someone who simply was not going to give it. This, combined with our sensitivity to the feelings of others, caused us to avoid conflict and to try to meet other people’s needs—at the expense of our own. Many of us closed off our feelings and our empathic nature for a while because we were too young to handle their intensity. Because of our approval-seeking and low self-esteem, we often drove ourselves to being the best at what we did, or to try to be all things to all people. Not being able to say no because we wanted to avoid conflict or loss of approval led us to feel as though we could not defend our emotional boundaries, and left us feeling drained. We responded to fatigue by redoubling our efforts, instead of resting, as our bodies tried to tell us to do. As we depleted our energy reserves—sometimes while feeling great on an adrenaline “high”—we encountered the physical trigger to our disease (“blew our fuse”), whether it was an infection, an injury, childbirth, or something else. This trigger, combined with physical problems such as yeast overgrowth or hormonal deficiencies and, often, a genetic tendency to the disease, set the process in motion. Continue reading

Am I Crazy?

Or, Forgiveness Part V

Am I Crazy? Understanding the Mind-Body Connection in CFS/Fibromyalgia

by Jacob Teitelbaum, M.D.

In medicine, we have a bad habit. If a doctor cannot figure out what is wrong with the patient, the doctor brands that patient a “turkey.” Imagine calling an electrician because your lights do not work. The electrician checks all the wiring, can’t find the problem, and says, “You’re crazy. There’s nothing wrong with your lights.” You flip the switches and they still do not work, but the electrician just says, “I’ve looked. There’s no problem here,” and walks out the door. This is analogous to what many CFS patients experience. I apologize for the medical profession’s calling you crazy just because we cannot determine the cause of your problem. It is inappropriate and cruel.

Fortunately the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), one of the major governmental agencies responsible for CFS (and other) research, is spending millions of dollars on advertising to dispel the misconception that CFS is all in your mind. They are working hard to teach both doctors and the public that CFS is both a very physical and devastating illness. Hopefully, getting treatment will be easier in the future. Continue reading

Hair & Makeup for the Weary

“Wait … I’m beautiful!”

I had been lying on the sofa in a late night stupor when a forgotten childhood event came to me in a flash. The setting was “Francis” making a rare visit to my mother’s flat.

“Your daughter’s beautiful,” Francis had commented.

“What about me?” my mother replied.

Francis went on to say a few words about mother being beautiful but that a twelve-year-old had a different, youthful kind of beauty. Continue reading

Professional Organizer Meets Chronic Fatigue!

Welcome to the first Realitynibs.com podcast!

Please click image or here to listen to this podcast.

“As children we’re often pushed by our parents and teachers and with good reason. Like mother earth … they want us to fly. And it can be difficult to understand when someone does not need a push, they’ve developed invisible limitations.”

Margaret Lukens helped me a lot during the first few years of my dealing with Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. For most of that time, I simply didn’t know what was wrong with me. In this first Realitynibs.com podcast, she had many insightful things to say about handling chronic illness both from the patient’s point of view and from the perspective of friends and relatives. It was nice to have a good laugh about things that had been quite serious when they took place! Continue reading

Medical, Social Misunderstanding of Chronic Fatigue & Fibromyalgia

Or, Diagnosis: Epilogue

I listened in horror to my voicemail.  Somehow, it had recorded a conversation between my father and a friend of his. The incisions on my tummy had only just become painless in September 2005. But no longer. Apparently, my body couldn’t take listening to less than flattering words from my own parent.

Later his friend tried to justify my dad’s behavior. “Devin” had expressed anger because my father was nowhere to be found while his daughter prepared for, then underwent, major surgery. Father was only reacting to that anger. “At any point in all this, did he ask how I am?” I inquired. Silence. Continue reading

Chronic Fatigue Wardrobe

Or, How to Build a Wardrobe on the Internet

I can do anything as long as I can figure out what to wear for it. That’s right, I said it! You might think that makes me a ridiculously shallow fashionista. But it’s merely an outward expression of inner, even spiritual, preparation.

Wardrobes don’t have to be just for conventionally noble projects such as a job search, pregnancy or going on holiday. They could also be for meeting a long cherished goal or adjusting to a new lifestyle … like a downsized lifestyle. Earning a fraction of what you used to make when Bill Clinton was President or needing to tone down your designer looks in solidarity with your battered community isn’t so bad if you can figure out the appropriate clothes! Continue reading